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Airlocked R5 - Jane's Private Notes
Things I Know For Certain
1.) I am supposed to be dead.
2.) I was with Jake before I came here. He is not here.
3.) I am no longer in Sburb or any construct related to it. There are too many strangers with too many conflicting world views for any of them to be part of the game.
4.) Everything about whatever is going on is royally fucked up.
So What The Hell Is Up?
So far, from what I can tell, there are twenty one people here (including myself) who have been brought to live in a portion of a mall for the express purpose of completing an "experiment". Basically, we're to either live out the rest of our lives here, or if someone kills someone else and gets away with it, they can leave. I have no idea what kind of cockamanie experiment only has "oh, we want to determine who is the ultimate champion" as an outcome and not something actually useful.
[What follows is a transcript of the rules from the PIP, a brief rundown of who else is here (subject to changes), and a page for any items that have passed through her hands.]
Things I Don't Understand
1.) My profile. Issues are as follows:
- My age is wrong by a full year. I'm only sixteen.
- "Likes: her family" as if I don't just have my Dad...the Batterwitch is in dislikes, so she's not included...is it talking about my teen Poppop and Jade? I do like Jade, but I never met Poppop John.
- "Champion of Life'. What the heck. I...I suck at Life things. Being a Maid limits any power I have, and...and I suck at it anyway! What the hell?!
- "Jane Crocker of Nohr". What/where is Nohr????? [This one is circled pretty strongly.]
2.) I have a tattoo on my left shoulder for some reason? It's the Hero of Life symbol, but there's...I think poppies blooming out from the tips. And they're red. Scared me out of my wits when I saw them. Don't know why that's there. Really concerned!!!!!
David Mitchell
- Miss Touko said I should try reading books by him if we find some. She thinks I might like them. I'll give it a shot! :B
Update: I don't think "of Nohr" is a mistake. I don't have concrete evidence. Just that our Overseer came to tell me his higher ups said it's a glitch and I shouldn't worry about it. But that would mean that all the other stuff on people's profiles are glitches. That's too many to be a coincidence! So no, I'm not going to accept being spoonfed your bs explanation. I'll keep this title, and I'll figure out what it means.
Even if I've got to do it alone.
I can't figure out why my chest hurts every time I look at Mister Xander. Even before I...sort of ended up knowing more about him than I even wanted to, it's been growing there, this...wrenching, awful feeling, like...I can't explain it. It's as if I know the words to describe it, and they're staring me in the face, screaming their names at me loud and clear, but I can't hear them no matter how hard I try.
Pity, at least, is starting to make itself understood. And I hate it. I shouldn't pity this man, but I do. He left behind a family - an entire country, he's a royal, maybe a king? Or maybe still a prince. And he died. Someone ran him through, and he was at a point where his despair would not have allowed him to take help. Someone sliced his stomach open and let him die, and when I think of that all my old scars hurt, like the stab wound from that carapace and then the last one...even the area where those red tendrils ran me through starts hurting. And I don't want to feel badly for him. Even if he's just a cog in the machine of this place, he still holds enough power to hurt us if he feels we're breaking the rules. He burned Mister Church and electrocuted Miss Nari, who knows what else he could do to us?
I'm wondering, though, if he'd ever kill us. That's apparently reserved as an act we do to each other...or execution, if we're caught red handed. That's something I really don't want to find out about.
Still, why do I feel compelled to be more than just polite to him? Why is it so hard to look at him? What the hell does this pain in my chest mean?
Is it connected to...the time we may have lost?
Am I connected to him?
The thought terrifies me. I won't be complicit in another plot to make others suffer. I can't let anyone know, if it turns out to be true. As tired as I am, as angry as I am for having that weird afterlife ripped away from me, part of me...doesn't want to die here. I may not have anywhere else to go, but I can't stay, and I can't die, and I can't kill anyone. That feels clearest to me.
The people in charge of all of this brought him back to run their game. To give him something he wants, to keep his own life, he must keep watch over the flock of wolves in sheep's clothing. That's what it feels like. Unlike what he keeps telling us, Xander has no choice in the matter.
Peace couldn't hold forever. Miss Yuuri was willing to try and fight Xander for the sake of her sister, and she was so nervous...she scared Thomasin so badly that...
I'm adding this because I remember now, or I'm starting to. I've been in a game like this before, and Thomasin was part of it. She and I and Mister Togami, Miss Natsuhi, Miss Yurika, Mister Doctor...we survived. At least, to make it this far, we did. And while I can't fault Miss Yuuri, while I'm saddened that I couldn't save her...Thomasin...
Thomasin.
If the lot of us survived something like that together, there's no way we couldn't have been close. And. Jade was the Witch of Space - another witch. Watching what happened, it was like seeing that house fall on her all over again. It was - it was like Chitanda's body in that art room again.
I'm still frightened by these memories. What else is left that I don't remember? It must be an awful lot. All of those people...even those Overseers...and all the feelings that came with them. It's so much. It's almost too much. But I know there's more the further I scratch the surface, and I've got to steel myself for digging deeper.
But I think...it must be them. The person who's there, but I can't remember their name or face...there were twenty of us in that station. And that person...there must be some reason everything else is so clear, and they're so blurry. Why? Who are you, Champion Mystery? I sincerely hope you didn't die. Something about you in those days...feels so reassuring. So good. So very right. That discrepancy is keeping me from completely losing my mind, because...gosh, I never know when to quit when it comes to a mystery, huh? Chitanda, I'm sorry I forgot you - I don't think I could have helped it. But if you'd lend me your strength in figuring this out from whatever afterlife you're watching us from, I'd be forever in your debt. And, hey, if you know the answer? Scream it out loud for me. I'll be listening.
Ugh. What am I doing, sitting in this Starbucks so late at night? Those awful juggalos are so loud and they keep honking at me whenever they notice motion in here - so usually whenever I refill my drink. There's no way Xander would actually come crawling back in here. Right? Or is he the kind of man who doesn't see the dead behind his eyelids when he blinks in places like this?
He seems like...the kind of man who would.
When it comes to him, Champion Mystery, I wish I could take your advice. It'd be easier to hate him like everyone else.
I've made up my mind about something. If it's me on the other side of the courtroom, facing down death...I'd rather go down fighting than lay there like a beaten dog. I mean...I know it'd be a just death anyway. I know it'd come. I'm not the kind of person who could take Mister Xander in a fight. Maybe Mister Ardyn or Mister Noctis could, but not me. At least this way I can pretend, for once, I did something worth dying for.
Lil' Sebastian came out of that prize machine...! And he's an absolute wreck, he's rusted and broken and missing pieces, and he's very light - does he no longer have a power source? Mister Ardyn said he and Mister Doctor could try to fix him, and I just. That sort of thing really doesn't...an actually evil person wouldn't be concerned about the well being of others or make a girl laugh or feel for her poor, maligned bunny. I hope he can be fixed, I know he would set himself right to work being a nuisance.
What could it mean to be Nohrian? This is what I find myself wondering tonight. Well, no, I wonder it on and off and keep looking in the bookstore for any kind of clue, but I always come up with absolutely nothing. I told Mister Xander that since I'm the only person designated as "of Nohr" here, that I'd decide what it could mean, but it'd be nice to have a frame of reference. It can't just be...things that are solely attributed to me, because I'll be honest in my own notes, I'm a mess. I can't decide if I want to keep living or if I'd rather be dead. When I'm alone or I'm not busy, that sort of thing gums up my brain and I feel so horrid. At least...it's clear that, when I'm doing things, I can focus on doing the thing, or if I'm with other people I focus on them. The one sure thing I know I want is that I want as many of these people to escape with their lives, regardless of whether or not they lived before waking up here. Maybe it's silly, but I can't seem to extend that courtesy to myself. I can't think of escaping and then...living somewhere, or going home. Or continuing on. I'm meant to be dead. But I still want to survive? It doesn't make any sense. If I really wanted to die, I'd go kill myself or lay down outside my kiosk on Thursday nights and loudly beg for anyone to do it...even if it wouldn't work.
Ugh, I've gone off topic...let me try this again.
What could it mean to be Nohrian? I have decided the following:
[The list that follows has plenty of room to be added onto, regardless of any notes Jane adds later.]
- You care deeply about the people you consider friends/allies and will do what you can to help them.
- You have pasttimes and hobbies you are passionate about.
- You set goals, and you pursue them.
- If you do not lead, you are loyal to those who do, for the betterment of all.
The Champion Mystery was our leader. I think the group of us knew that even at the beginning, that they had a natural predisposition for the task. They tried to be fair and they made sure to keep everyone informed and together. While it obviously didn't work perfectly, and...surely there's more I have yet to remember, I know they were steady for us. An immovable rock in a stormy sea. But even those erode with time and repeated hardship...could you have cracked and crumbled? Did anyone try to hold you together? Perhaps Miss Lightning did. She slots so effortlessly next to them in my memories. They were both strong, but stronger together. And...I know I wished I could be more like Miss Lightning. I was afraid and upset, and confused...there was absolutely nothing fun about solving these mysteries. But they could keep moving, and keep us going even when we were in trouble. And Miss Lightning didn't take any crap from anyone. Wherever she is...however she came to be there, I hope she's okay. I hope she's with the Champion Mystery, if they both had to leave us. It's strange, but when I think of them...it's like looking at Mister Xander, my chest hurts terribly. Like it's hollow, and everything around it is trying to fill it back in, but nothing fits. Nothing seems right, and I'm scratching at the walls of an empty room with no doors or windows. For all the horror yet to be remembered, I hope there are good things nestled within. Happy things. I want to know these people better again.
I don't know if the Champion Mystery and Lady Consequence are one and the same. I'm not sure I can believe that just yet.
There was a song I forgot. But, Mister Xander knew it, somehow...and he recorded it on the new piano for me so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. And I told him...he ought to take a day for himself. And I meant it.
[Jane starts on a completely new page for this next section, spots wrinkled from fallen tears and the lettering shaky and stunted, as if she had to stop and start again numerous times.]
Oh God. Okay. So there's. I got a camera out of the prize machine. And it was full of pictures - of all of us. More people than are even here. And...Xander is there, too. We're all together in some - some really nice house, with a couple of aliens, and we're...living. As if things had a chance of being better than they could be. There are pictures of me cooking with a lot of the other girls, and practicing with...a really important knife, I feel like? And I practice with a lot of people, like Mister Ardyn and Mister Varric, and I think there's one of Touko and I? Or it might be Miss Syo, it's from behind so I can't tell. And then there's ones with myself and Mister Jamie - our Overseer - but Mister Bolton's not there. And...I don't know why? I'm pretty sure they were an item back there, so why would he not be with us? Did something happen to him?
And then there's...Xander. And I'm...I'm cuddled up to him like he's my Dad and we're watching a movie together, only here Xander's reading, and then there's a picture where he and I and Miss Natsuhi are having tea, and ones where he's training me, or...no, it can't be training. We have wooden swords. And I don't...I don't understand. I look at it and I can see it and it's taking some time to write about it but I just...it hurts like trying to remember the song hurt. But I keep pressing it into me...desperately, like I need to get something back from it. Something incredibly important. And I don't know if that's...confirmation that it's true, or and explaination, but...
There has to be some way to see if this is true. If...Xander could have forgotten all of this as well, and isn't allowed to remember. That's the kind of sick thing I feel like would make sense - if he was one of us, and they wanted to use him in this role, they'd take away his memories and then not give them back until he was at a point where they would break him. But there must be some other way to get through to him and see...
We have to be careful though. These pictures can't fall into the wrong hands. We need backups, we need...I want hard copies of all of mine. This is the girl who got the tattoo. This is the girl who survived and kept on living and made a happy place for herself. And I don't have that feeling anymore...I want it back.
No more of this. I'm going to find some way to take back who I was. And I'm going to return Xander to the man he may have been. Even if it kills me.
Oh God. So much has happened. I don't know if I can properly list all of it, it's been...a terrifying few days.
They've been killing the others. The ones who weren't placed in here, one every day...they killed Jamie today. And this whole time, he's been our Lady Consequence...he was hiding right under our captors' noses, trying to help us. And...he didn't have a PIP. He could be gone for good. I'm almost scared to break out the ouija board and try asking about him.
Er, that's a thing, too. Ghosts are super real. We're being haunted by Misters Fourt and Scraggy from Pyrrha's group, and they're sending messages between us and our friends...they're apparently okay? Well, not really okay okay, but...when we're dead, they send us to virtual reality. It's got something to do with the PIPs and with nanites. And...Jamie's was gone. And he told me he loved me. And that he was sorry he couldn't keep himself safe...
Whoever that woman was...she had my knife. The one I got a plastic toy of, the one I hold in those pictures...and she slit his neck and he bled out and...I'll never be able to save him now. Whatever I remember of him that had us grow close...it's only going to hurt.
I wish I could tell him I'm going to try my best. That Seb's going to be as good as new, and he'll help us. I wish...we could have just one more day together of laughing in the sun. I bet...that was wonderful.
I just ended up crying again. That's...where I am right now! Just crying all over everything! God damn it!! But if I'm going to keep what little of this hurting, frayed family I have, I guess I have to cry along the way...right? And he told me...I shouldn't hurt Xander anymore. Xander apparently swore his life to him. And...that moved him to act. Even if he's laid up right now, Jamie, you did what we couldn't manage to do. You made him realize he had to meet us halfway. And there's so much I don't know or understand, but you were willing to give everything for us. And I won't forget you - I'll keep remembering you and I'll hold onto the good you sent to us.
And I'll help Xander, too. Even if the others care for him out of obligation as good people, I...I am piecing things together bit by bit. Junpei helped me - and I think someone he knew in his group, Takumi, he helped us too. If that makes me Nohrian Scum, then I'll stay there firmly.
Part of me is still reeling from the seance. I...Roxy was there. In the first group. And she died. And I didn't know...did they get her after I died? Is she alright in that...mysterious VR hellscape dimension? I hope the people she was with were good to her. I hope...if she can see me, she's...oh God, Roxy, you shouldn't have had to do this, too. I should have known from the start.
I'm flattered, though. Not sure if I've "got this", but I'm going to work on not fumbling it all completely. When you see Jamie, take good care of him for me. He was always...very hurt, I think, by every death. And I'll do my best for the people I'm with now.
The ghosts said...they're kept in VR for the sake of profit. And, honestly, when you think about it...is that what this "Experiment" is really about?
I don't know if I can think about it too deeply without actually wanting to snap something in half.
1.) I am supposed to be dead.
2.) I was with Jake before I came here. He is not here.
3.) I am no longer in Sburb or any construct related to it. There are too many strangers with too many conflicting world views for any of them to be part of the game.
4.) Everything about whatever is going on is royally fucked up.
So What The Hell Is Up?
So far, from what I can tell, there are twenty one people here (including myself) who have been brought to live in a portion of a mall for the express purpose of completing an "experiment". Basically, we're to either live out the rest of our lives here, or if someone kills someone else and gets away with it, they can leave. I have no idea what kind of cockamanie experiment only has "oh, we want to determine who is the ultimate champion" as an outcome and not something actually useful.
[What follows is a transcript of the rules from the PIP, a brief rundown of who else is here (subject to changes), and a page for any items that have passed through her hands.]
Things I Don't Understand
1.) My profile. Issues are as follows:
- My age is wrong by a full year. I'm only sixteen.
- "Likes: her family" as if I don't just have my Dad...the Batterwitch is in dislikes, so she's not included...is it talking about my teen Poppop and Jade? I do like Jade, but I never met Poppop John.
- "Champion of Life'. What the heck. I...I suck at Life things. Being a Maid limits any power I have, and...and I suck at it anyway! What the hell?!
- "Jane Crocker of Nohr". What/where is Nohr????? [This one is circled pretty strongly.]
2.) I have a tattoo on my left shoulder for some reason? It's the Hero of Life symbol, but there's...I think poppies blooming out from the tips. And they're red. Scared me out of my wits when I saw them. Don't know why that's there. Really concerned!!!!!
David Mitchell
- Miss Touko said I should try reading books by him if we find some. She thinks I might like them. I'll give it a shot! :B
Update: I don't think "of Nohr" is a mistake. I don't have concrete evidence. Just that our Overseer came to tell me his higher ups said it's a glitch and I shouldn't worry about it. But that would mean that all the other stuff on people's profiles are glitches. That's too many to be a coincidence! So no, I'm not going to accept being spoonfed your bs explanation. I'll keep this title, and I'll figure out what it means.
Even if I've got to do it alone.
I can't figure out why my chest hurts every time I look at Mister Xander. Even before I...sort of ended up knowing more about him than I even wanted to, it's been growing there, this...wrenching, awful feeling, like...I can't explain it. It's as if I know the words to describe it, and they're staring me in the face, screaming their names at me loud and clear, but I can't hear them no matter how hard I try.
Pity, at least, is starting to make itself understood. And I hate it. I shouldn't pity this man, but I do. He left behind a family - an entire country, he's a royal, maybe a king? Or maybe still a prince. And he died. Someone ran him through, and he was at a point where his despair would not have allowed him to take help. Someone sliced his stomach open and let him die, and when I think of that all my old scars hurt, like the stab wound from that carapace and then the last one...even the area where those red tendrils ran me through starts hurting. And I don't want to feel badly for him. Even if he's just a cog in the machine of this place, he still holds enough power to hurt us if he feels we're breaking the rules. He burned Mister Church and electrocuted Miss Nari, who knows what else he could do to us?
I'm wondering, though, if he'd ever kill us. That's apparently reserved as an act we do to each other...or execution, if we're caught red handed. That's something I really don't want to find out about.
Still, why do I feel compelled to be more than just polite to him? Why is it so hard to look at him? What the hell does this pain in my chest mean?
Is it connected to...the time we may have lost?
Am I connected to him?
The thought terrifies me. I won't be complicit in another plot to make others suffer. I can't let anyone know, if it turns out to be true. As tired as I am, as angry as I am for having that weird afterlife ripped away from me, part of me...doesn't want to die here. I may not have anywhere else to go, but I can't stay, and I can't die, and I can't kill anyone. That feels clearest to me.
The people in charge of all of this brought him back to run their game. To give him something he wants, to keep his own life, he must keep watch over the flock of wolves in sheep's clothing. That's what it feels like. Unlike what he keeps telling us, Xander has no choice in the matter.
Peace couldn't hold forever. Miss Yuuri was willing to try and fight Xander for the sake of her sister, and she was so nervous...she scared Thomasin so badly that...
I'm adding this because I remember now, or I'm starting to. I've been in a game like this before, and Thomasin was part of it. She and I and Mister Togami, Miss Natsuhi, Miss Yurika, Mister Doctor...we survived. At least, to make it this far, we did. And while I can't fault Miss Yuuri, while I'm saddened that I couldn't save her...Thomasin...
Thomasin.
If the lot of us survived something like that together, there's no way we couldn't have been close. And. Jade was the Witch of Space - another witch. Watching what happened, it was like seeing that house fall on her all over again. It was - it was like Chitanda's body in that art room again.
I'm still frightened by these memories. What else is left that I don't remember? It must be an awful lot. All of those people...even those Overseers...and all the feelings that came with them. It's so much. It's almost too much. But I know there's more the further I scratch the surface, and I've got to steel myself for digging deeper.
But I think...it must be them. The person who's there, but I can't remember their name or face...there were twenty of us in that station. And that person...there must be some reason everything else is so clear, and they're so blurry. Why? Who are you, Champion Mystery? I sincerely hope you didn't die. Something about you in those days...feels so reassuring. So good. So very right. That discrepancy is keeping me from completely losing my mind, because...gosh, I never know when to quit when it comes to a mystery, huh? Chitanda, I'm sorry I forgot you - I don't think I could have helped it. But if you'd lend me your strength in figuring this out from whatever afterlife you're watching us from, I'd be forever in your debt. And, hey, if you know the answer? Scream it out loud for me. I'll be listening.
Ugh. What am I doing, sitting in this Starbucks so late at night? Those awful juggalos are so loud and they keep honking at me whenever they notice motion in here - so usually whenever I refill my drink. There's no way Xander would actually come crawling back in here. Right? Or is he the kind of man who doesn't see the dead behind his eyelids when he blinks in places like this?
He seems like...the kind of man who would.
When it comes to him, Champion Mystery, I wish I could take your advice. It'd be easier to hate him like everyone else.
I've made up my mind about something. If it's me on the other side of the courtroom, facing down death...I'd rather go down fighting than lay there like a beaten dog. I mean...I know it'd be a just death anyway. I know it'd come. I'm not the kind of person who could take Mister Xander in a fight. Maybe Mister Ardyn or Mister Noctis could, but not me. At least this way I can pretend, for once, I did something worth dying for.
Lil' Sebastian came out of that prize machine...! And he's an absolute wreck, he's rusted and broken and missing pieces, and he's very light - does he no longer have a power source? Mister Ardyn said he and Mister Doctor could try to fix him, and I just. That sort of thing really doesn't...an actually evil person wouldn't be concerned about the well being of others or make a girl laugh or feel for her poor, maligned bunny. I hope he can be fixed, I know he would set himself right to work being a nuisance.
What could it mean to be Nohrian? This is what I find myself wondering tonight. Well, no, I wonder it on and off and keep looking in the bookstore for any kind of clue, but I always come up with absolutely nothing. I told Mister Xander that since I'm the only person designated as "of Nohr" here, that I'd decide what it could mean, but it'd be nice to have a frame of reference. It can't just be...things that are solely attributed to me, because I'll be honest in my own notes, I'm a mess. I can't decide if I want to keep living or if I'd rather be dead. When I'm alone or I'm not busy, that sort of thing gums up my brain and I feel so horrid. At least...it's clear that, when I'm doing things, I can focus on doing the thing, or if I'm with other people I focus on them. The one sure thing I know I want is that I want as many of these people to escape with their lives, regardless of whether or not they lived before waking up here. Maybe it's silly, but I can't seem to extend that courtesy to myself. I can't think of escaping and then...living somewhere, or going home. Or continuing on. I'm meant to be dead. But I still want to survive? It doesn't make any sense. If I really wanted to die, I'd go kill myself or lay down outside my kiosk on Thursday nights and loudly beg for anyone to do it...even if it wouldn't work.
Ugh, I've gone off topic...let me try this again.
What could it mean to be Nohrian? I have decided the following:
[The list that follows has plenty of room to be added onto, regardless of any notes Jane adds later.]
- You care deeply about the people you consider friends/allies and will do what you can to help them.
- You have pasttimes and hobbies you are passionate about.
- You set goals, and you pursue them.
- If you do not lead, you are loyal to those who do, for the betterment of all.
The Champion Mystery was our leader. I think the group of us knew that even at the beginning, that they had a natural predisposition for the task. They tried to be fair and they made sure to keep everyone informed and together. While it obviously didn't work perfectly, and...surely there's more I have yet to remember, I know they were steady for us. An immovable rock in a stormy sea. But even those erode with time and repeated hardship...could you have cracked and crumbled? Did anyone try to hold you together? Perhaps Miss Lightning did. She slots so effortlessly next to them in my memories. They were both strong, but stronger together. And...I know I wished I could be more like Miss Lightning. I was afraid and upset, and confused...there was absolutely nothing fun about solving these mysteries. But they could keep moving, and keep us going even when we were in trouble. And Miss Lightning didn't take any crap from anyone. Wherever she is...however she came to be there, I hope she's okay. I hope she's with the Champion Mystery, if they both had to leave us. It's strange, but when I think of them...it's like looking at Mister Xander, my chest hurts terribly. Like it's hollow, and everything around it is trying to fill it back in, but nothing fits. Nothing seems right, and I'm scratching at the walls of an empty room with no doors or windows. For all the horror yet to be remembered, I hope there are good things nestled within. Happy things. I want to know these people better again.
I don't know if the Champion Mystery and Lady Consequence are one and the same. I'm not sure I can believe that just yet.
There was a song I forgot. But, Mister Xander knew it, somehow...and he recorded it on the new piano for me so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. And I told him...he ought to take a day for himself. And I meant it.
[Jane starts on a completely new page for this next section, spots wrinkled from fallen tears and the lettering shaky and stunted, as if she had to stop and start again numerous times.]
Oh God. Okay. So there's. I got a camera out of the prize machine. And it was full of pictures - of all of us. More people than are even here. And...Xander is there, too. We're all together in some - some really nice house, with a couple of aliens, and we're...living. As if things had a chance of being better than they could be. There are pictures of me cooking with a lot of the other girls, and practicing with...a really important knife, I feel like? And I practice with a lot of people, like Mister Ardyn and Mister Varric, and I think there's one of Touko and I? Or it might be Miss Syo, it's from behind so I can't tell. And then there's ones with myself and Mister Jamie - our Overseer - but Mister Bolton's not there. And...I don't know why? I'm pretty sure they were an item back there, so why would he not be with us? Did something happen to him?
And then there's...Xander. And I'm...I'm cuddled up to him like he's my Dad and we're watching a movie together, only here Xander's reading, and then there's a picture where he and I and Miss Natsuhi are having tea, and ones where he's training me, or...no, it can't be training. We have wooden swords. And I don't...I don't understand. I look at it and I can see it and it's taking some time to write about it but I just...it hurts like trying to remember the song hurt. But I keep pressing it into me...desperately, like I need to get something back from it. Something incredibly important. And I don't know if that's...confirmation that it's true, or and explaination, but...
There has to be some way to see if this is true. If...Xander could have forgotten all of this as well, and isn't allowed to remember. That's the kind of sick thing I feel like would make sense - if he was one of us, and they wanted to use him in this role, they'd take away his memories and then not give them back until he was at a point where they would break him. But there must be some other way to get through to him and see...
We have to be careful though. These pictures can't fall into the wrong hands. We need backups, we need...I want hard copies of all of mine. This is the girl who got the tattoo. This is the girl who survived and kept on living and made a happy place for herself. And I don't have that feeling anymore...I want it back.
No more of this. I'm going to find some way to take back who I was. And I'm going to return Xander to the man he may have been. Even if it kills me.
Oh God. So much has happened. I don't know if I can properly list all of it, it's been...a terrifying few days.
They've been killing the others. The ones who weren't placed in here, one every day...they killed Jamie today. And this whole time, he's been our Lady Consequence...he was hiding right under our captors' noses, trying to help us. And...he didn't have a PIP. He could be gone for good. I'm almost scared to break out the ouija board and try asking about him.
Er, that's a thing, too. Ghosts are super real. We're being haunted by Misters Fourt and Scraggy from Pyrrha's group, and they're sending messages between us and our friends...they're apparently okay? Well, not really okay okay, but...when we're dead, they send us to virtual reality. It's got something to do with the PIPs and with nanites. And...Jamie's was gone. And he told me he loved me. And that he was sorry he couldn't keep himself safe...
Whoever that woman was...she had my knife. The one I got a plastic toy of, the one I hold in those pictures...and she slit his neck and he bled out and...I'll never be able to save him now. Whatever I remember of him that had us grow close...it's only going to hurt.
I wish I could tell him I'm going to try my best. That Seb's going to be as good as new, and he'll help us. I wish...we could have just one more day together of laughing in the sun. I bet...that was wonderful.
I just ended up crying again. That's...where I am right now! Just crying all over everything! God damn it!! But if I'm going to keep what little of this hurting, frayed family I have, I guess I have to cry along the way...right? And he told me...I shouldn't hurt Xander anymore. Xander apparently swore his life to him. And...that moved him to act. Even if he's laid up right now, Jamie, you did what we couldn't manage to do. You made him realize he had to meet us halfway. And there's so much I don't know or understand, but you were willing to give everything for us. And I won't forget you - I'll keep remembering you and I'll hold onto the good you sent to us.
And I'll help Xander, too. Even if the others care for him out of obligation as good people, I...I am piecing things together bit by bit. Junpei helped me - and I think someone he knew in his group, Takumi, he helped us too. If that makes me Nohrian Scum, then I'll stay there firmly.
Part of me is still reeling from the seance. I...Roxy was there. In the first group. And she died. And I didn't know...did they get her after I died? Is she alright in that...mysterious VR hellscape dimension? I hope the people she was with were good to her. I hope...if she can see me, she's...oh God, Roxy, you shouldn't have had to do this, too. I should have known from the start.
I'm flattered, though. Not sure if I've "got this", but I'm going to work on not fumbling it all completely. When you see Jamie, take good care of him for me. He was always...very hurt, I think, by every death. And I'll do my best for the people I'm with now.
The ghosts said...they're kept in VR for the sake of profit. And, honestly, when you think about it...is that what this "Experiment" is really about?
I don't know if I can think about it too deeply without actually wanting to snap something in half.